It's Valentines Day today, and I am separated, and getting divorced in October. And yet, I am the happiest I have been in many many years. I know from speaking to my ex that he is happier and calmer, and I have been reflecting back on Valentines Days past and what's changed.
What's different now? I'm more confident in myself. I made the massive decision to move out of the family home in November, when I felt that I couldn't hold all the pieces of our family together and keep myself intact. So, over the past few months I have been putting myself back together, and I am discovering some wonderful things along the way. I have made mistakes and I have cried, I've been rude and shouty, I've smiled at strangers, I've helped friends. I've been helped. I've read great books and crappy books and watched TV and played with my kids and grieved my cat and grieved my marriage. I've taken up smoking and quit again. I've had some incredibly painful and some exquisitely beautiful moments.
I am starting to see that, as a single person and a human being, that one of my biggest fears was being alone. And I felt so alone in my marriage. There is nothing lonelier than two people whose relationship has broken beyond repair who continue to live together. Paradoxically, as I have stepped out in faith that this was the right thing for me to do, and followed my heart, I have come to a place of hope, contentedness and freedom. I don't feel alone, because I am not alone. We are all interconnected.
I have come to see that when I am bogged down with my problems and I feel like life is hard, there is always someone doing it tougher than me. There is always someone I can help, be it chatting to a neighbour, offering help, or sending a text to encourage someone. There are always answers in my life if I sit and wait to hear them. I don't have to know what is coming next. When I left my marriage, I felt like I would never feel love again. But I feel it all the time. I feel it from my friends, who encourage me in my journey. Centrelink workers who have separated from their husbands who tell me that it "gets easier". People who let me cry on their shoulder and trust me with their hurts.
Recently I had an amazing experience of connection that made me feel like I could see the stars and touch the heavens. When I came back down to earth, I felt fearful and sad. I couldn't trust happiness, could I? And then I stopped. And I breathed. I looked at why I was fearful and sad. It was because I felt that I wasn't worthy, that I wasn't lovable, that I wasn't supposed to feel this happy. But I am and I AM and I REALLY AM. I am really meant to be this happy. But it is a personal journey for me, and I release this person from my connection. I can never control the outcome of a friendship or relationship. I cannot control anything other than my reaction to what is. And my feelings are of joy and happiness that there are people like this in the world. I feel grateful to have experiences that encourage my faith in human nature. I see that I know so little of what is in store for me, and that is the great adventure.
Nobody else can make me love myself and treat myself well. I am the one that has to put up boundaries and say what is good and loving, and what is bad and harmful. Right now, I am my own valentine and I am so happy with that. I am a beautiful soul, part of a beautiful world full of souls.
A friend told me recently in a message "Deb ...you are doing an awesome job and bring so much joy and positivity to everyone you meet xx", I was so encouraged by this! Sometimes as a stay at home mum, I struggle with my role in life.... but I am seeing more and more that my job, and my work on this earth, is to love and accept myself, to be honest and real about my struggles and fears, therefore giving permission to those around me to be honest and real.
I can't change whether people are in my life for a year, a minute, or a day. I can't stop people from dying. I can't stop things from ending. But what I can do, is to be real, authentic, to feel my feelings and to trust that everything is going to be okay. Happy Valentines day, to everyone. May you make the bold choice to start trusting and loving your true self.
Deb
What's different now? I'm more confident in myself. I made the massive decision to move out of the family home in November, when I felt that I couldn't hold all the pieces of our family together and keep myself intact. So, over the past few months I have been putting myself back together, and I am discovering some wonderful things along the way. I have made mistakes and I have cried, I've been rude and shouty, I've smiled at strangers, I've helped friends. I've been helped. I've read great books and crappy books and watched TV and played with my kids and grieved my cat and grieved my marriage. I've taken up smoking and quit again. I've had some incredibly painful and some exquisitely beautiful moments.
I am starting to see that, as a single person and a human being, that one of my biggest fears was being alone. And I felt so alone in my marriage. There is nothing lonelier than two people whose relationship has broken beyond repair who continue to live together. Paradoxically, as I have stepped out in faith that this was the right thing for me to do, and followed my heart, I have come to a place of hope, contentedness and freedom. I don't feel alone, because I am not alone. We are all interconnected.
I have come to see that when I am bogged down with my problems and I feel like life is hard, there is always someone doing it tougher than me. There is always someone I can help, be it chatting to a neighbour, offering help, or sending a text to encourage someone. There are always answers in my life if I sit and wait to hear them. I don't have to know what is coming next. When I left my marriage, I felt like I would never feel love again. But I feel it all the time. I feel it from my friends, who encourage me in my journey. Centrelink workers who have separated from their husbands who tell me that it "gets easier". People who let me cry on their shoulder and trust me with their hurts.
Recently I had an amazing experience of connection that made me feel like I could see the stars and touch the heavens. When I came back down to earth, I felt fearful and sad. I couldn't trust happiness, could I? And then I stopped. And I breathed. I looked at why I was fearful and sad. It was because I felt that I wasn't worthy, that I wasn't lovable, that I wasn't supposed to feel this happy. But I am and I AM and I REALLY AM. I am really meant to be this happy. But it is a personal journey for me, and I release this person from my connection. I can never control the outcome of a friendship or relationship. I cannot control anything other than my reaction to what is. And my feelings are of joy and happiness that there are people like this in the world. I feel grateful to have experiences that encourage my faith in human nature. I see that I know so little of what is in store for me, and that is the great adventure.
Nobody else can make me love myself and treat myself well. I am the one that has to put up boundaries and say what is good and loving, and what is bad and harmful. Right now, I am my own valentine and I am so happy with that. I am a beautiful soul, part of a beautiful world full of souls.
A friend told me recently in a message "Deb ...you are doing an awesome job and bring so much joy and positivity to everyone you meet xx", I was so encouraged by this! Sometimes as a stay at home mum, I struggle with my role in life.... but I am seeing more and more that my job, and my work on this earth, is to love and accept myself, to be honest and real about my struggles and fears, therefore giving permission to those around me to be honest and real.
I can't change whether people are in my life for a year, a minute, or a day. I can't stop people from dying. I can't stop things from ending. But what I can do, is to be real, authentic, to feel my feelings and to trust that everything is going to be okay. Happy Valentines day, to everyone. May you make the bold choice to start trusting and loving your true self.
Deb
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