Forty One Balloons

It's my 41st birthday and I am like a mythical phoenix rising from the ashes of my 40th year.

Jealous of my poetic sentence and my fabulous balloon animal?  Well, in searching for "41 Balloons", I also came across a news story from 2010 of a woman who had swallowed 41 Balloons of heroin.  Hey, I know how to have a good time, but that's taking things a bit far.  I'd rather swallow 41 slices of cake.  Ha!

So, today I write to you from a little house in North Shepparton.  I've been separated from my husband for eight months exactly today, I moved out on the 5th of November 2016.  Not gonna lie, this has been the most difficult and challenging year of my entire life.  I have felt so sad that I thought I was never going to keep on living. I've lost my temper spectacularly, I've made mistakes, I've lost a beautiful kitty who I thought would be with me forever. I've had intense fails in the area of internet dating, I've met wonderful people in twelve step fellowships.  I've cried and yelled and smiled.  I've lived. I've lost friends, and gained other ones.

I thought about staying off Facebook for my birthday, but I just couldn't do it.  I need that validation, and that's ok.  I like being part of things.  I had a little cry this weekend because this is the first birthday since 2003 that I've been single.  The first birthday where I haven't had a husband or boyfriend.  How am I different to my 27 year old self? Well, I'm happier and healthier and I am adulting to the extreme. I'm navigating a workplace, I'm dealing with mediation and lawyers and child support and centrelink. I'm advocating for my kids. I'm trying to be a better me.  I'm saying "I love you, I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you".  I'm so much happier than I was this time last year.

Last year, I was married, I'd had my hair cut really short, and I had a lot of trouble saying what I really wanted. I had a lot of fear. I had started coming off a lot of pain medication, in particular a destructive and zombifying drug called Lyrica. I started to see that the past three years in which I'd been taking Lyrica and other pain medication had passed by in a daze where I went through the motions but really wasn't present in my own life.

I started to see that although I had certain values in terms of other people, I was living with someone who I embarrassed a fair bit.  I began to see that the love had died and that I had two choices. I could live a separate life and take what was given.  It wasn't mean or poor spirited, but it was disinterested and just wanted to be left alone.  It wanted me to just be quiet and live a life that was unobrtusive and calm.  That's not me.  Did I want to be me, or did I want to cohabit?  Did I want to deprive my kids of a family unit? Was I really that selfish? Was my need to be seen selfish, or selfless? Was I giving my kids a lesson in "just getting along" or was I dying inside?   Did we both deserve more than settling?

Ultimately, I see that I am a lot to take on. I have passions and phases and I have opinions and ideas.  I am embarrassing. I fully live. I ask questions that people find annoying sometimes.  I look silly.  I am crazy.  But you know what? Everyone's a little crazy, and the ones who say they aren't are the ones you have to watch out for.  We all have those not so acceptable parts.  And that's ok.  I would rather be alone for the rest of my life (not really, pls send eligible bachelors asap) than live where I am making someone else unhappy, myself unhappy, and showing my kids that a relationship is where you just tolerate each other.  My marriage was wonderful a lot of the time and my ex taught me a lot about not taking myself seriously and not being a diva.  But, there was a lot of kindness missing towards the end, on both of our parts.  I see now, being out of it, that there was lots he did that I took for granted.  But it wasn't enough to balance out the fact that we fundamentally didn't get along.  I was willing to work on it, but totally understood that he'd had enough.

Last year was also the year I abandoned christianity.  I don't identify as a Christian any more. I prefer to see myself as a more free floating spiritualist. I believe that there is a spirit and a presence out there, that I have seen too many people's lives transform to ever be an atheist.  I know that my family worry about me, but I pray that I will believe in what is truly real.  That's my experience. I spent 40 years in the Church, saying what I thought I was true, teaching bible study, bringing morning tea, being angry all the time.  Why was I angry? Because I didn't believe it for myself. It was someone else's idea. I don't like listening to some preacher man's idea of God. I prefer to go out and experience God for myself. I don't like being told what to do or what to think.  It's arrogant, I believe.  I have been terribly afraid that I will go to hell for this, but I just can't understand why God would do that.  I think Jesus was a wise man but I can't go for all this "blood has washed me clean" stuff.  No thanks, I don't like blood on me.  Get your blood away!!  Also, please don't stand in traffic and hold up the bible and think that I will want to be converted.  On my not so great days, I may visualise running you and your sodding bible over.

All in all, 40 is over, and I am glad.  I have learned and grown a lot this year. I've been angry with just about every important person in my life.  Angry because of fear. If someone who vows to love me forever can just stop, why wouldn't everyone else? So I fear judgement. I fear loss.  But this year has taught me that the important people will stay in my life, and the ones who have conditional love for me will reject and block me.  And that's their stuff.  I lost a very important friend after a fallout with a friend of hers.  No discussion, just woke up one day and she had blocked me after years of important discussions.  And, she was always fearing I'd get angry at her and block her.  I had no intention of blocking her, but I know now that I will never be able to pursue a friendship with her again. I can be drawn to the charismatic, the shiny, the narcissistic friends, who are never quite available on anyone's terms but theirs.  And they espouse to be so kind, so giving, so "there for others".  It's just reinforcing my fear that I'll be left by investing in situations where the friendship isn't equal.  I love those ex friends dearly but I recognise that we are not good for each other.  And that is equally my part.  I build up anger and resentment that I can't control things. That's definitely something I need to work on.

But, just for today, I am 41.  I woke up at 5 with a gorgeous little girl by my side and a beautiful boy flapping about in the background.  I am blessed to be the perfectly imperfect parent to these two.  I am blessed with a fabulous family and amazing friends.  But, most of all, I am blessed with faith, hope, courage, and a greater self love than I've ever had.  I'm slowly healing.  I still cry, but that's ok. Please let me grieve and grow and have my emotions.  This is a huge transition.  That I am emotional doesn't mean I am not coping.  I am.  I shower, I wash clothes, I prepare meals, I go to work.  I fail and I succeed and I get up and do it all again the next day.

Lots of Love
Deb <3