So, welcome back to another episode of introspection and analysis, brought to you by a slightly neurotic but definitely positive woman who is kinda ok with being forty one and single.
There has been so much going on in my life lately, that my blog is where I come to sort out the little threads that look messy and untidy, until I turn them over and see that my higher power is actually making a kind cool abstract needlepoint tapestry thingy.
Like, look at this piece of art. I like to think that my life is in the midst of creating one of the corners of this. Sure, all the pieces that I'm working on sometimes don't make sense. It looks messy, it doesn't always make sense to me. There are things that I think are "the answer", only to find that I can't continue with them. I have to knot that thread off. Most recently, I had to give up my job, working two days a week in admin, doing a job I loved, with people who I adored.
It was a bright, shiny, splash of colour in my life. I loved getting up in the morning, putting on makeup and feeling like I was going out to accomplish something. I loved the grown up chats. I loved finishing things instead of my life being a morass of things that I was in the midst of, like my laundry or growing up or the business of bringing up children. Sometimes I can feel like I am just existing, not really living or making a difference. I feel unimportant, like I am ill defined or not worthy if I'm not earning a wage. Am I really 41 years old and bleeding the government dry?
Then I flip it. I stop it. I stop beating myself up and I stop judging myself and my circumstances. I wasn't fully able to work and look after the kids and do self care and navigate the divorce in the way that I needed to. I didn't want to quit, but I can't quit my kids, and I can't quit this process and I can't quit my self care. I had to take something out of the equation, and for me that was work. This week, although I feel relief at being able to rest and take care of myself and my kids, there is also the sense that I am not as well defined. That I have lost something of myself. And I realise that's a fear and a lie. It's false evidence appearing real. I haven't lost anything of myself. It's still there. It's still in my ability to write this blog, in my ability to go out and smile at a stranger who looks like they're having a hard time, to help another mother who is struggling with her toddler. It's there in my ability to try and relax and do better the next day with my kids.
When I don't work, I feel like my kids are the work, and so I can paradoxically put more pressure on myself to get it "right". I can hand my kids to my ex, feeling exhausted and sure that I have done everything I can, only to find myself crying at the times that I was impatient and didn't want to do parenting, let alone adulting. It's a hard balance to be all KIDS KIDS KIDS for 9 nights a fortnight, then to go to the silence of NO KIDS. I've always struggled with transitions and this is no different. But, as with everything else, my answers are within me. And what are they?
Well, they're to chill out and relax. Go easy on myself. My life has changed so much in the past year, that it's not even recognisable. I'm emerging from it, the grief of losing my partner in crime has changed me, but made me sure that I am ok, on my own, as I am, without anyone else's approval or endorsement. And, you see, that was the vein of weakness running through my marriage. That I needed my ex so desperately. That I didn't trust my inner voice. That I didn't trust my choices. So if I made them, and you questioned them, I'd attack you. HOW VERY DARE YOU!!
I am learning that who I am and what I do is enough. It is so so so very enough. I do not have to justify anything I am or anything I do to anyone. I do my very best with the information that I have to hand. And when I know better, I do better. Right now, my reason is behind living my life to its fullest, to giving my children the happiest and most loving mother that they can have. And the answer to a fulfilling relationship with anyone else, is love and acceptance of ones self. Of myself.
These past nine months have been excruciating, because when my kids go, I am all alone with me. And in small ways, I have been trying to avoid her all my life. Scared that she is too much, too needy, too rude, takes up too much space and feels things too fully. But I'm embracing her. I'm saying "woman, you are magnificent". I'm loving her. There are no shortcuts to healing. But there are beautiful friends, beautiful experiences and lots of opportunities for living and loving along the way.
There has been so much going on in my life lately, that my blog is where I come to sort out the little threads that look messy and untidy, until I turn them over and see that my higher power is actually making a kind cool abstract needlepoint tapestry thingy.
Like, look at this piece of art. I like to think that my life is in the midst of creating one of the corners of this. Sure, all the pieces that I'm working on sometimes don't make sense. It looks messy, it doesn't always make sense to me. There are things that I think are "the answer", only to find that I can't continue with them. I have to knot that thread off. Most recently, I had to give up my job, working two days a week in admin, doing a job I loved, with people who I adored.
It was a bright, shiny, splash of colour in my life. I loved getting up in the morning, putting on makeup and feeling like I was going out to accomplish something. I loved the grown up chats. I loved finishing things instead of my life being a morass of things that I was in the midst of, like my laundry or growing up or the business of bringing up children. Sometimes I can feel like I am just existing, not really living or making a difference. I feel unimportant, like I am ill defined or not worthy if I'm not earning a wage. Am I really 41 years old and bleeding the government dry?
Then I flip it. I stop it. I stop beating myself up and I stop judging myself and my circumstances. I wasn't fully able to work and look after the kids and do self care and navigate the divorce in the way that I needed to. I didn't want to quit, but I can't quit my kids, and I can't quit this process and I can't quit my self care. I had to take something out of the equation, and for me that was work. This week, although I feel relief at being able to rest and take care of myself and my kids, there is also the sense that I am not as well defined. That I have lost something of myself. And I realise that's a fear and a lie. It's false evidence appearing real. I haven't lost anything of myself. It's still there. It's still in my ability to write this blog, in my ability to go out and smile at a stranger who looks like they're having a hard time, to help another mother who is struggling with her toddler. It's there in my ability to try and relax and do better the next day with my kids.
When I don't work, I feel like my kids are the work, and so I can paradoxically put more pressure on myself to get it "right". I can hand my kids to my ex, feeling exhausted and sure that I have done everything I can, only to find myself crying at the times that I was impatient and didn't want to do parenting, let alone adulting. It's a hard balance to be all KIDS KIDS KIDS for 9 nights a fortnight, then to go to the silence of NO KIDS. I've always struggled with transitions and this is no different. But, as with everything else, my answers are within me. And what are they?
Well, they're to chill out and relax. Go easy on myself. My life has changed so much in the past year, that it's not even recognisable. I'm emerging from it, the grief of losing my partner in crime has changed me, but made me sure that I am ok, on my own, as I am, without anyone else's approval or endorsement. And, you see, that was the vein of weakness running through my marriage. That I needed my ex so desperately. That I didn't trust my inner voice. That I didn't trust my choices. So if I made them, and you questioned them, I'd attack you. HOW VERY DARE YOU!!
I am learning that who I am and what I do is enough. It is so so so very enough. I do not have to justify anything I am or anything I do to anyone. I do my very best with the information that I have to hand. And when I know better, I do better. Right now, my reason is behind living my life to its fullest, to giving my children the happiest and most loving mother that they can have. And the answer to a fulfilling relationship with anyone else, is love and acceptance of ones self. Of myself.
These past nine months have been excruciating, because when my kids go, I am all alone with me. And in small ways, I have been trying to avoid her all my life. Scared that she is too much, too needy, too rude, takes up too much space and feels things too fully. But I'm embracing her. I'm saying "woman, you are magnificent". I'm loving her. There are no shortcuts to healing. But there are beautiful friends, beautiful experiences and lots of opportunities for living and loving along the way.
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