So, a while ago, I wrote a post about "shouldn't this be getting easier?". What I was talking about was the navigation of a post separation life, but what I really mean was....when does life get easier? And do you know what? Sometimes life isn't easy. And it continues on being not easy, and then instead of getting a break, things get even more not easy. In fact, they become downright difficult and hard and anxiety ridden and awful.
And do you know what it means when life is hard and shit and awful like that? It's the universe prompting you to change. To let go of what "easy" might be. If you're a single mum, and you have two young kids, and you're on a fixed income, and you're still trying to be a twentysomething with a fabulous life when they go....you're going to have lots of troubles. You're going to be going back and forward between enjoying your money, to being broke, you're going to be angry and sad and resentful.
It's said in the rooms of twelve step fellowships that "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today". That really bloody sucks and makes me angry sometimes, because if I am angry, troubled or bitter....it's often down to me not accepting the consequences of wanting my life to be different.
If I live in fantasy and expect my next boyfriend to change the way I feel internally, I'll be back in the same relationship I left just over a year ago. Nobody can change the way I feel about myself, or make me happy. That's an inside job. People have come along in this past year who I have thought were soulmates, but all they've been is an external representation of how acceptable I find myself. I've been drawn to guys who like me a little bit, but not too much. The hard to get ones. The messy ones. The ones who look like they're trouble and that they don't want to talk about their feelings.
Dude. I have just left a relationship where the overarching concept was that I like emotions, feelings and philosophical discussions and I didn't feel heard. So why do I keep trying to recreate that relationship, then freaking out when I get the same feels about the guys I choose?
The answer is that there is something in me that doesn't accept that I am enough, and that any relationship that I choose at the moment, is at a level of non acceptance. I'm happy enough with myself these days, I have put down a lot of unhealthy, bad coping mechanisms this year....but there is still a massive part of me that is adjusting and grieving and coming to terms with the task of self love.
So, any person that I vibe with romantically at the moment, well....they'll either have a penchant for drama, and want to fix me, or they'll think they like my drama...and then be kinda put off when they realise I'm still a bit of a hot mess, who is slowly figuring out better patterns of behaviour, but can still be self destructive and paranoid.
I know on a gut level that I need this next however long to heal and love myself and be my own best friend....stay stopped smoking, drugging, giving in to drama, destruction and mayhem.
BUT IT'S SOMETIMES VERY BORING DOING THE RIGHT THING AND GETTING TO KNOW MYSELF.
Sometimes I feel like I want to stomp my feet and have a tantrum because I want a moral dessert. I have done all the right things, I've been patient and kind and caring and a lovely mummy. I've been a good friend and not smoked and not taken painkillers and not gossipped.
But ffs, it galls me to wake up and realise that this has not meant that I have woken up in a castle being famous for just being awesome and not a total bitch. I don't have exciting things to do and I am not rich. I can't do what I want all the time. I have to get up and get the kids to school. I have to do the dishes, I have to hang the clothes out, I have to live within my means and not buy shiny things that'll make me feel better about my life momentarily.
I am being so good, so where is my fairytale? I mean, I have been nice and good for about two weeks. So where is my friggen dessert?
Part of being an adult is the realisation that there is no participation medal. Nobody is going to reward me for being good to myself and others. I have been watching a show called "The Good Place", and I love it, because it explores a lot of these concepts...I love it when I get synchronicity with a show I love and my life.
I got a tattoo and a nose piercing in the past three months and those were both things that made me feel like me....without too much of a moral punishment. Obviously, I can't do them all the time, because they made me broke and then that made me cross with myself.
So, everything has a consequence...and every action that I take that is good, is heading me towards my future, where this sort of behaviour isn't such a burden. Where things being peaceful and happy and nice is ok, instead of cause for me to subconsciously create drama. That's the reward of this time of introspection and peace....building a happier me, better relationships with my family and children, behaving in a way that is in line with my morals.
I only have to gossip or slip back into being destructive to remember that there are consequences of this kind of behaviour as well. And I really don't like the way my head feels when I behave badly. I feel out of sorts, paranoid, afraid that I'm a bad person. So, I'm trying to relish this time of peace and quiet, of things being a lot better and calmer.
But I still really really like dessert.
And do you know what it means when life is hard and shit and awful like that? It's the universe prompting you to change. To let go of what "easy" might be. If you're a single mum, and you have two young kids, and you're on a fixed income, and you're still trying to be a twentysomething with a fabulous life when they go....you're going to have lots of troubles. You're going to be going back and forward between enjoying your money, to being broke, you're going to be angry and sad and resentful.
It's said in the rooms of twelve step fellowships that "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today". That really bloody sucks and makes me angry sometimes, because if I am angry, troubled or bitter....it's often down to me not accepting the consequences of wanting my life to be different.
If I live in fantasy and expect my next boyfriend to change the way I feel internally, I'll be back in the same relationship I left just over a year ago. Nobody can change the way I feel about myself, or make me happy. That's an inside job. People have come along in this past year who I have thought were soulmates, but all they've been is an external representation of how acceptable I find myself. I've been drawn to guys who like me a little bit, but not too much. The hard to get ones. The messy ones. The ones who look like they're trouble and that they don't want to talk about their feelings.
Dude. I have just left a relationship where the overarching concept was that I like emotions, feelings and philosophical discussions and I didn't feel heard. So why do I keep trying to recreate that relationship, then freaking out when I get the same feels about the guys I choose?
The answer is that there is something in me that doesn't accept that I am enough, and that any relationship that I choose at the moment, is at a level of non acceptance. I'm happy enough with myself these days, I have put down a lot of unhealthy, bad coping mechanisms this year....but there is still a massive part of me that is adjusting and grieving and coming to terms with the task of self love.
So, any person that I vibe with romantically at the moment, well....they'll either have a penchant for drama, and want to fix me, or they'll think they like my drama...and then be kinda put off when they realise I'm still a bit of a hot mess, who is slowly figuring out better patterns of behaviour, but can still be self destructive and paranoid.
I know on a gut level that I need this next however long to heal and love myself and be my own best friend....stay stopped smoking, drugging, giving in to drama, destruction and mayhem.
BUT IT'S SOMETIMES VERY BORING DOING THE RIGHT THING AND GETTING TO KNOW MYSELF.
Sometimes I feel like I want to stomp my feet and have a tantrum because I want a moral dessert. I have done all the right things, I've been patient and kind and caring and a lovely mummy. I've been a good friend and not smoked and not taken painkillers and not gossipped.
But ffs, it galls me to wake up and realise that this has not meant that I have woken up in a castle being famous for just being awesome and not a total bitch. I don't have exciting things to do and I am not rich. I can't do what I want all the time. I have to get up and get the kids to school. I have to do the dishes, I have to hang the clothes out, I have to live within my means and not buy shiny things that'll make me feel better about my life momentarily.
I am being so good, so where is my fairytale? I mean, I have been nice and good for about two weeks. So where is my friggen dessert?
Part of being an adult is the realisation that there is no participation medal. Nobody is going to reward me for being good to myself and others. I have been watching a show called "The Good Place", and I love it, because it explores a lot of these concepts...I love it when I get synchronicity with a show I love and my life.
I got a tattoo and a nose piercing in the past three months and those were both things that made me feel like me....without too much of a moral punishment. Obviously, I can't do them all the time, because they made me broke and then that made me cross with myself.
So, everything has a consequence...and every action that I take that is good, is heading me towards my future, where this sort of behaviour isn't such a burden. Where things being peaceful and happy and nice is ok, instead of cause for me to subconsciously create drama. That's the reward of this time of introspection and peace....building a happier me, better relationships with my family and children, behaving in a way that is in line with my morals.
I only have to gossip or slip back into being destructive to remember that there are consequences of this kind of behaviour as well. And I really don't like the way my head feels when I behave badly. I feel out of sorts, paranoid, afraid that I'm a bad person. So, I'm trying to relish this time of peace and quiet, of things being a lot better and calmer.
But I still really really like dessert.
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