Geraniums in my garden

I had the opportunity to speak to a couple of my friends who were single mums in the months before I moved out of the marital home.  They said "it's hard, it's lonely, but you can do it".  I didn't think that I would get lonely. I thought that I would be glad to be able to do what I wanted, queen of the remote control, able to make her own rules and do whatever she likes. That's the great part, and the shitty part. Because, whatever decision I make, I do it alone.  I mean, I have my faith in God, and I have my family, and I have my friends....but never before have I had a keener sense that I am on my own in life.  That there is nobody to roll their eyes and grudgingly take care of me. That there is nobody to surprise me by doing something nice.  That there is nobody that I immediately put down on my "in case of emergency" form.  That I am a single mum and I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life.  And, stupidly, even though I...

Today was my first Christmas without my husband and my children. I got sober in May 2003 and started dating my husband in October, and was engaged by my first sober Christmas. I don't think anyone but a sober alcoholic and can understand the excruciating reality of that first few months, years, the first firsts of sobriety. It's like, relentless consciousness. Most alcoholics have BIG FEELINGS and we drink to diminish these. To turn the volume down a bit.  So when we take away that barrier, we're left with life on life's terms...which can be terrifying.  Many of us plunge into therapy and working the twelve steps, and some of us also pick up another addiction. A lot of us get into relationships because we don't know how to be alone. I met a wonderful man at my sister's wedding and we had an instant attraction. We were very different, but were both at places in our lives where we were ready to settle down. He was ready, having worked hard and assembled a nest...

This weekend, my ex (I guess that's what he's called?) had the kids for about 48 hours and I came to terms with more of the feels around being separated.  It was weird.  When you're a stay at home mum, usually you'd sell your left bum cheek for a few hours of uninterrupted time.  But, after the first 12 hours, things start feeling very quiet and very lonely. The danger is to start filling the silence up with people, places and things.  Things that are bad for me, like trying to use a relationship or friendship to fill the silence. Using food, using approval, using spending or Facebook or compulsive hair cutting.  Some of those things are obviously worse than others....I've indulged in a bit of food, a bit of hair cutting and a lot of feeling the feelings.  On Sunday I went to the local farmers markets and wandered around looking at things.  When I'm at my house by myself, I can distract myself, but out in the world, it's a lot harder to ignore that I...

Hey, as most people know, I am a very open and honest person. I tell it how it is and let people know how I feel. And that's ok if it's only affecting me, but social media is a difficult beast, and the things that I say can sometimes have repercussions for the people I love. And that sucks. Because I am all about relentless self expression....but not at the expense of other people's feelings.  I've deleted a whole bunch of people from Facebook today, not because I hate any of them, or because I'm having a midlife crisis, but because I want to show respect to the people I love and my extended family.  I'm going through a lot of changes at the moment and I'm talking a lot, emoting, feeling, doing, and I'm aware that what I post on Facebook can seem really huge and big and unwieldy.  But, rest assured that the thinking and growing and posting that I'm doing is underpinned by a whoooole load of strategies. I'm on antidepressants, I'm seeing a c...