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The first Christmas

Today was my first Christmas without my husband and my children.

I got sober in May 2003 and started dating my husband in October, and was engaged by my first sober Christmas. I don't think anyone but a sober alcoholic and can understand the excruciating reality of that first few months, years, the first firsts of sobriety. It's like, relentless consciousness. Most alcoholics have BIG FEELINGS and we drink to diminish these. To turn the volume down a bit.  So when we take away that barrier, we're left with life on life's terms...which can be terrifying.  Many of us plunge into therapy and working the twelve steps, and some of us also pick up another addiction.

A lot of us get into relationships because we don't know how to be alone. I met a wonderful man at my sister's wedding and we had an instant attraction. We were very different, but were both at places in our lives where we were ready to settle down. He was ready, having worked hard and assembled a nest egg.  I was ready, having stepped off the party girl merry go round and discovered that in the musical chairs of my social life, I had been left without a seat.  I was more than ready to move on from my life that didn't really exist any more without alcohol.

So I moved towns, to Finley, to be with my husband to be. We moved very fast because we were so in love, we were so sure that we had to be together.

What has changed in twelve years? A lot.  When I met him, I was a case of arrested development. I had stopped developing my emotions because whenever an uncomfortable one came up, I would go and get drunk or smoke or take party drugs.  I'd hook up with a random guy. I'd create a drama that would take my mind off the feeling. Then I'd get drunk again to take the pressure off, do more embarrassing things, then suffer through the week until it was time to go and seek oblivion in the form of male attention, booze, drugs, anything that didn't let me feel.

I'm not going to talk about anything to do with why our relationship ended, but I know that in plunging into a relationship early in my sobriety, I was trying to avoid looking at myself.  And now that my marriage has ended, I am uniquely placed to do the exquisitely painful and yet worthwhile task of looking at my issues.  No more hiding behind the idea that if he was different then my life would be different, better, easier.  I've lost my excuse for being unhappy.  Right now, having made a decision to radically change my life, it would be ridiculous to seek destructive things to take the place of a relationship. To cram food, booze, drugs, people, places, things into my psyche to try and plug up the bits of me that hurt.

Right now, there are lots of people who want to be there for me, and I am so grateful for that.  The people I appreciate the most are the ones who are standing back and letting me reach out for them.  I am quietly sifting through my truth to find who I am and what it is that I believe and want.  Having a solo Christmas was something that elicited pity from some people...I don't think that being alone on Christmas is a sad thing.  I would rather be alone, go to Melbourne, sit with strangers and sit in a park and breathe and feel my feelings, than to force myself to be around friends or family just because "NOBODY SHOULD BE ALONE ON CHRISTMAS".  Sometimes being alone is what we avoid, but it is what we need.  I am working towards being wholly me, without having to fix or change you, without having to have the world bend towards my will. I am sitting quietly and letting myself feel what is next. I am sitting quietly and hearing the still, small voice of God that is within me, a holy spirit that guides me to what is my purpose.

I have many passions, interests, ideas and thoughts.  I am not afraid to be alone. I am not afraid to be my own Prince Charming.  Thank you to those of you who listen to me and to those of you who don't treat me any differently.  Thank you to those of you who are real.

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