This weekend, my ex (I guess that's what he's called?) had the kids for about 48 hours and I came to terms with more of the feels around being separated. It was weird. When you're a stay at home mum, usually you'd sell your left bum cheek for a few hours of uninterrupted time. But, after the first 12 hours, things start feeling very quiet and very lonely.
The danger is to start filling the silence up with people, places and things. Things that are bad for me, like trying to use a relationship or friendship to fill the silence. Using food, using approval, using spending or Facebook or compulsive hair cutting. Some of those things are obviously worse than others....I've indulged in a bit of food, a bit of hair cutting and a lot of feeling the feelings. On Sunday I went to the local farmers markets and wandered around looking at things. When I'm at my house by myself, I can distract myself, but out in the world, it's a lot harder to ignore that I am no longer part of a socially acceptable family unit. I forget that there were times when I just wanted to be on my own, and look at the mums and dads and kids and think that I am depriving my kids, that I am alone and broken, that I am no longer part of a family.
But they're lies and fears. I still have a family. I still have my family of origin. I still have my beautiful children. My life will be inextricably linked with my soon to be ex husband and his family, because he is their father and I will always have to deal with him. They are my children's aunties and uncles and I always want them to be in my kids lives. So, just because things have changed, doesn't mean that I'm not part of something. Separateness is an illusion, we are all linked in humanity.
Both the kids and the cat piled into the bed with me this evening, the first night back from their dads is always a bit of an adjustment to all of us. I fell asleep and had a really vivid dream about living in a beautiful castle. The kind where a princess lives with her handsome prince. But the roof was falling apart and nobody had bothered to fix it. I kept going into the attic to look at things and had people over to my house, but the castle kept disintegrating. The internal fixings of the house were exposed. The bricks were falling down but I kept thinking that it would stay up. Then, suddenly, as I was standing on the floor of the attic, more bricks fell down and all of the people in the house fell through the floors and started to be crushed by falling pieces of the castle. In my dream I was lying in a pile of dust and plaster and bricks were falling on me, and I knew that it was hurting, but I knew that I wouldn't die. Then, I pushed the bricks and dust off me, and knew that even though the house was destroyed, that I was insured and that I could build a new house....one that was new and I could furnish it however I liked.
The insurance policy, I believe, was my faith in God. It was one of those dreams where I woke up knowing that I am going to be ok. My dreams of happily ever after and being a princess in a castle have fallen around my ears, and I have been crushed by the disintegration of all of the hopes that I put into building the castle. But I was insured. And it hurt when it fell down, and it will take me a long time to recover from the damage. It will take time for me to rebuild my house. It won't be how it was before. I don't live in a house at the moment - I'm exposed and vulnerable and I am feeling the elements. But I'm going to build a new future. The castle fell down, and it's not my fault. I tried to fix it, but I couldn't. It's going to be all right. It will take time and sometimes it won't look like I thought it would. But I'll be safe and dry and covered in love.
The danger is to start filling the silence up with people, places and things. Things that are bad for me, like trying to use a relationship or friendship to fill the silence. Using food, using approval, using spending or Facebook or compulsive hair cutting. Some of those things are obviously worse than others....I've indulged in a bit of food, a bit of hair cutting and a lot of feeling the feelings. On Sunday I went to the local farmers markets and wandered around looking at things. When I'm at my house by myself, I can distract myself, but out in the world, it's a lot harder to ignore that I am no longer part of a socially acceptable family unit. I forget that there were times when I just wanted to be on my own, and look at the mums and dads and kids and think that I am depriving my kids, that I am alone and broken, that I am no longer part of a family.
But they're lies and fears. I still have a family. I still have my family of origin. I still have my beautiful children. My life will be inextricably linked with my soon to be ex husband and his family, because he is their father and I will always have to deal with him. They are my children's aunties and uncles and I always want them to be in my kids lives. So, just because things have changed, doesn't mean that I'm not part of something. Separateness is an illusion, we are all linked in humanity.
Both the kids and the cat piled into the bed with me this evening, the first night back from their dads is always a bit of an adjustment to all of us. I fell asleep and had a really vivid dream about living in a beautiful castle. The kind where a princess lives with her handsome prince. But the roof was falling apart and nobody had bothered to fix it. I kept going into the attic to look at things and had people over to my house, but the castle kept disintegrating. The internal fixings of the house were exposed. The bricks were falling down but I kept thinking that it would stay up. Then, suddenly, as I was standing on the floor of the attic, more bricks fell down and all of the people in the house fell through the floors and started to be crushed by falling pieces of the castle. In my dream I was lying in a pile of dust and plaster and bricks were falling on me, and I knew that it was hurting, but I knew that I wouldn't die. Then, I pushed the bricks and dust off me, and knew that even though the house was destroyed, that I was insured and that I could build a new house....one that was new and I could furnish it however I liked.
The insurance policy, I believe, was my faith in God. It was one of those dreams where I woke up knowing that I am going to be ok. My dreams of happily ever after and being a princess in a castle have fallen around my ears, and I have been crushed by the disintegration of all of the hopes that I put into building the castle. But I was insured. And it hurt when it fell down, and it will take me a long time to recover from the damage. It will take time for me to rebuild my house. It won't be how it was before. I don't live in a house at the moment - I'm exposed and vulnerable and I am feeling the elements. But I'm going to build a new future. The castle fell down, and it's not my fault. I tried to fix it, but I couldn't. It's going to be all right. It will take time and sometimes it won't look like I thought it would. But I'll be safe and dry and covered in love.
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