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Grateful for not knowing the answer

As I've been looking at lots of dysfunctional things in my life lately, one that continues to affect me is the food thing.  I've been a dieter since a very early age, as I mistakenly took the view that being skinny would equal having a boyfriend, and I thought that having a boyfriend would make me acceptable.

I have been 16, 6 foot tall, 80kg and thought I was the fattest person ever. I've been obsessed with my fat arms, and looked at the arms of every other woman that crosses my path and the toned arms of celebrities.

I've been 19, 100kg and started Jenny Craig.
I've been 20, lost 11kg and started throwing up and restricting.

I've been 24, binge drinking, and 91kg.  Unhappy and paranoid but slim, but not slim enough.

I've been 30, pregnant and 130kg, eating for two or three or perhaps a small continent.  Fearful that I wouldn't lose it but unable to let the opportunity for a safe binge to pass me by.

I've been 38, pregnant again at 110kg and sure that as I was in recovery from Binge Eating disorder, that I wouldn't put on any more weight because I was listening to my body.

I've been 38, had a baby, but weighed 130kg because I couldn't stop bingeing on chips...the only food that appeared to make the constant debilitating nausea better.

I've been 40,133kg and gaining, bingeing at nights because I am lonely and sad and sore and exhausted.  I've done cleanses and binges and cleanses and diets and Lite n Easy and all sorts of things but nothing has fixed that insatiability within me.  It's a fear of not being good enough, of being revolting and fat and ugly, that paradoxically sends me for the chocolate/nutella/chips.

I don't' know what the answers are but I'm so so so grateful that I don't have to have them. That they come from God.  I am finally ready to surrender my eating habits to the care of my God and have him control this part of my life. It's so much easier to numb my emotional pain with food, or to commit to another diet ....thinking this will be the one that saves me.....only to fail and send myself down the path of an even bigger binge.

I'm grateful that I have within me a God given need for food, which I often override. My work in the next weeks and months is honouring that and reaching for help and guidance, support and love, instead of the food.  Food is always there, but so is God. I can't do this. He can...if I let him and listen to my hunger instead of eating my feelings.

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