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Ingratitude and Gratitude

Is gratitude annoying? Is it a humblebrag? Is it a way of surreptitiously complaining about your life in a way that you caption "#blessed" so that people don't realise that you're actually really angry and annoyed by stuff?

I don't know.  Sometimes bad stuff happens in life and I find myself being annoyed by the smallest things. The person in front of me in traffic that turns right and doesn't use their indicator.  Pedestrians dashing in front of me.  Dropping things and forgetting stuff and getting a parking ticket.  Those things make me mad, and can send me catapulting into a crazy-valanche that is like a tiny snowball rolling down a snowy mountain, gathering speed and crazy as it rolls, until it crashes at the base of the mountain and wipes out a whole village.

That's the kind of feelings I have.  Big ones. Intense ones. And I struggle with the here and now. Gratitude can be a really easy and quick way of reminding myself that even though there is plenty of stuff that is irritating and annoying and tricky, there are small acts of kindness and magnificence that balance the whole crazy mess out.

I don't have the answers, hell no, but I'm open to the questions and that some of them might remain forever unanswered.  I am aware of myself. I'm not afraid to face the truth about some of my dark parts.  I'm not afraid of letting my secrets be told.  You're only as sick as the secrets you keep.  So, be free, my secrets.  Go and let someone else out of a cage built of fear.

Today I am grateful for the people in my lives who have the courage to be fearlessly themselves.  Kristy, you are an amazing soul who is all the things I like in a person.  Insightful, self aware, compassionate and hilarious. Skye, you are funny and caring and rude and loving.  You have got me through a really hard year with your encouragement. Samantha, you are a brave, compassionate, wonderful, real, woman who I hope I will always know.  My mum, who visited me today.  You are so constantly encouraging and faithful, you are funny and real and brave.  My beautiful Nanna, who has been gone nearly a year.  You will forever live in my heart as the fiercely loving, compassionate, iron spined woman who held a family together with her courage and tenacity.

My many friends out there who help me go easy on myself and the women who I know in playgroups and other groups who share their inconsistencies and faults and fears, leaving me free to do the same.  The truth is a powerful ally in this thing called life.

Much love
Deb xo

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